Do a google search “Cuba News” and all you will get for the first few pages is coverage of the Atlantic Council poll on U.S. relations with Cuba.
It’s not just the New York Times that takes these phony results seriously — it’s just about every news outlet on the planet.
But…don’t let that alternate universe disturb you.
Inspired by the evidence provided here on Babalu by our own Humberto Fontova, I came up with an improved poll for the Atlantic Council.
Lame dolts, all of them at the Council. Their leading questions didn’t lead enough, didn’t engage with their targets as subliminally as possible.
If they wanted a certain outcome — which is eminently clear — they should have used this questionnaire instead. And they’d get a 98% rather than 63%. Maybe even 100%
Here is what I am about to send the folks at the Atlantic Council, and to Senators Leahy and Flake:
New, Improved Poll questions for The Atlantic Council.
After examining one of the lead-in questions asked in your latest poll concerning U.S. relations with Cuba, I was struck by the way in which that question was angled, and how its wording could affect the answers given.
On the basis of my analysis of this one question – which focused on whether or not Cuba should be considered a terrorist state – I have come to the conclusion that you really do need better questions.
If your purpose is to elicit a favorable response to policies that you espouse, you could do much better than come up with a measly 63% pro-normalize response from the American public.
So, please, use the questions below in a new poll. I guarantee that you will surpass the 63% margin of pro-normalize responses elicited by your previous poll.
You should also make sure that when you randomly select households with Hispanic surnames in South Florida – to fool people into thinking that your poll is truly representative of the area’s demographics — you avoid neighborhoods with high real estate values. Hispanics who live in those neighborhoods tend to be Cuban and Venezuelan exiles who are extremely selfish and tied to the past (and might be irked by question number 10).
This poll is designed according to the Commonsense Method, which calls for a gradual increase in the complexity and difficulty of the questions. So, please be sure that those who are doing the polling ask the questions exactly in the order below.
POLL ON RELATIONS BETWEEN THE UNITED STATES AND CUBA
1. Cuba has more fertile land ready for cultivation than any other country on earth. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would reap huge profits from farming this land and also enjoy a greater variety of tropical fruits and vegetables at lower prices. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba?
2. Cuba makes the finest cigars in the world, but Americans are now prevented from smoking them, due to the trade embargo imposed by the U.S. on the island nation. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would once again be able to smoke Cuban cigars, and they would cost much less than they do now. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
3. Cuba has the world’s largest collection of American cars from the 1940’s and 1950’s, all of which are very attractive to car collectors worldwide. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would be able to buy these unique cars at ridiculously low prices and sell them for a fortune. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
4. Cuba has the highest rate of literacy in the world as well as the highest per capita distribution of doctors, but it needs to build new schools and hospitals. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, American construction firms would be able to cash in on a building boom, and, as a bonus, all Americans would be able to obtain a free education and free medical care simply by flying or sailing to Cuba. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
5. Cuba has some of the finest beaches in the world and a wonderful climate. These beaches are now off limits to Americans. They are also off limits to natives of Cuba, save for the few who have the special privilege of satisfying each and every whim of foreign tourists and who are grateful for even the smallest of tips. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would be able to vacation at these beaches, and stay at luxury hotels with squadrons of servants that cost only a fraction of comparable accommodations anywhere else on earth. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
6. Cuba has very unique urban real estate, which consists mostly of once glorious fixer-uppers. These buildings—which have no owners whatsoever and can be sold to you directly by the Cuban government — are now up for sale, but, due to the embargo, Americans have no way to enter this one-of-a-kind market. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would be able to buy these buildings for a mere fraction of their value, renovate them at a low cost with the use of Cuban workers (they can only accept $20 a month for their labor), and sell them for a huge profit. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
7. Cuba has more sex workers per capita than any other nation on earth, with a greater variety of ages and sexual orientations, and a lower price per session, too. Many of these sex workers (formerly known as prostitutes) are also doctors who can respond to any medical emergency resulting from erotic activity, or teachers and university professors who can teach you just about anything, including tantric yoga, Marxist semiotics, and particle physics. Americans have no way to mingle with Cuban sex workers right now, due to the embargo. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would be able to have very enjoyable erotic vacations in Cuba. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
8. Cuba has a surplus of workers who can be hired out to the highest bidder for a very low cost, well below world market prices for labor, and their pay goes directly to the Cuban government, eliminating the need for paychecks or direct deposit electronic transfers. In addition, all personnel issues concerning these workers are handled directly by the Cuban government, eliminating the need for a human resources office on site. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
9. Cuba has no race problems and no crime whatsoever due to a disciplined and proactive police who keep an eye on all dissent from government policy. Since the government declared an end to racism way back in 1959, racism simply ceased to exist. And since the government outlawed all crime as selfishness unbecoming of the New Man and New Woman, crime simply cannot occur. To top it off, there is no income inequality in Cuba, since all workers earn exactly the same sum, and professionals only earn a little more than a common worker in exchange for longer hours of labor. In sum, Cuba has remained free of most of the woes that plague capitalist states such as the U.S. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, Americans would be able to escape the racial, economic and social problems that plague their own land, and, in the bargain, pick up a few tips from Cubans on how to fix their own country. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
10. The United States has a surplus of Cuban exiles who constantly interfere in American politics and have also been taking high-paying jobs away from Americans since 1959. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, the U.S. would finally be rid of most of these exiles – including three troglodyte U.S. Senators and a handful of members of the House of Representatives — who would go home for good and leave America relatively Cuban-free. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
11. Cuba is a lot like a human zoo, theme park, and time capsule all rolled into one. Cubans are stuck in the past and live like noble savages, without shopping malls, cell phones, computers, megaplex theaters, basic or premium cable programming, and chain outlets such as Starbucks, Walmart, or McDonald’s. In sum, Cuba is a living, breathing diorama, better than any you can find in any museum of natural history, anywhere. If relations between the U.S. and Cuba were normalized, the Cuban government would ensure that none of this would change, and you would thus have the chance to return to this theme park over and over again, and gawk at the natives with abandon. Do you favor normalizing relations with Cuba? YES NO
12. The Atlantic Council conducting this poll has a lot of extra cash to give away to all who answer their questions correctly. These payments will be made in cash, and no record of the transaction will be kept, making the $500 consulting fee totally tax-free. In the opinion of this Council, the U.S. should definitely normalize relations with Cuba. Do you agree? YES NO