January 07, 2005
Cuando hay hambre, no hay pan duro?
Imagine, if you will, that you have been reading this blog and have been particularly interested in, not to mention culinarily intrigued by, the postings about Cuban food. Lechón asado or frijoles negros or yuca or flan. You want to taste these delicacies but you live in Minneapolis, not exactly the hub of the Cuban diaspora.
Yet one day your local paper has an article on a Cuban restaurant and all of a sudden, this mouth watering excitement comes over you. Yes! you say to yourself. Finally, a place where I can get my fill of those Cuban delicacies!
But then, in the article, you read this:
Americans have the only government in the free world that forbids most of its citizens to travel to Cuba, but you can get a taste of the island—and owner Victor Valens’ politics—at Victor’s 1959 Cafe. A sign at the entrance, originally from Berlin’s Cold War-era Checkpoint Charlie, warns visitors that they are leaving the American zone, and once inside, the walls are festooned with Cuban flags and posters and revolutionary memorabilia, including portraits of Che Guevara and a poster of Fidel Castro shaking hands with the pope.(emph. mine)
Alas. You know it would be impossible to enjoy a nice meal while pictures of communist and Marxist murderers look down upon you. The food might possibly be excellent, but those icons up on the wall would leave a very bad taste in your mouth. Not to mention that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach caused by your knowledge of the fact that those images up on the wall are of men responsible for the grotesque murder and abusive treatment of thousands upon thousands of human beings. Imagine the image of a trembling man shitting his pants, right before el Che pulls the trigger and blows his brains out, popping into your head as you dig into your plate of steaming ropa vieja. There is no stomach pump in the world that can ease the sick feeling of somehow being a party to fratricide.
Steve Gigl is the one that found such a place and even gives us a link to the restaurant's website: Victor's 1959 Cafe.
On their home page is an image of the left's poster boy, Che Guevara, with a sign that says "No embargo. No problem." And in the header it states "Revolutionary Cuban Cooking."
Revolutionary Cuban cooking!? I wonder if the maitre'd hands everyone a ration card
when they walk in the door. Or if they make the cafe cubano like they have been making it in revolutionary Cuba. One thin layer of fresh coffee grounds, one thin layer of split peas for filler and one thick layer of used coffee grounds to get it all packed in. Yum. What delicious cafe con leches that must make.
I wonder if the rum they serve in thier daiquiris and mojitos is made the revolutionary Cuban way. Distilled and dug into the ground with shit used as the fermenting agent. Cagalitos! Now that's authentic "revolutionary" Cuban cuisine.
Perhaps the owner makes you stand in line for hours on end for a slice of bread or your serving of a handful of imported beans. That's "authentically revolutionary" too. And of course, all sources of protein are exactly like revolutionary Cuba: pan con lechóns and fritas made from soy.
Or maybe, if the cook accidentally serves you a little too much, the restaurant's CDR (comite de defensa de la revolución) representative blows a whistle and out come the red bandana guys to remove that little extra from your plate. You cant have more than your comrade in revolutionary Cuba, compañero.
And of course:
While you're at the café be sure to visit our gift shop.
A gift shop!!! Just like in revolutionary Cuba!!!! Come, sit down, have a nice meal of authentic revolutionary Cuban cuisine, meet my comrades fidel and Che, and perhaps buy a little memento on your way out. Just like a tourist in revolutionary Cuba! And you dont even have to leave the states!
Why, you can even buy revolutionary Cuba online. Of course, just like in revolutionary Cuba, you can only use US dollars to pay for your meals or your revolutionary trinkets. They might take American Express, but they dont take revolutionary Cuban pesos.
Ahem.
It occurs to me that the proprietor - one Mr. Victor Valens - of this restaurant is either a complete hypocrite or a total opportunist. A hypocrite because, well, here he is in Minneapolis, USA, the heart of the dragon perse, with his little restaurant where he sells you the revolution. That's the very same revolution, folks, that he himself doesnt live with.
What sheer and unbridled hypocrisy.
I wonder, Mr. Valens, why you didnt open up shop say, in el Vedado?
Oh, that's right, your boy fidel would never let you do that.
But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Mr. Valens is just another Cuban being a Cuban. Resolviendo. Being opportunistic. Maybe he is just cashing in on the Che Chic epidemic that's been going around. Still, though, for a restaurant owner, it's pretty tasteless, and for a Cuban living in exile in the United States of America, it's pretty disgusting.
One thing you should try to remember, Mr. Valens. Remember when you came from Cuba? Remember when the United States of America allowed you to emigrate to this country? Well, on that day, you became a political exile. It's the only reason you were allowed to stay. Because you would suffer at the hands of your beloved fidel. Remember that.
He's got a guestbook, though. Maybe we should ask him? Hypocrite, or opportunist? Political exile or opportunist? Better yet, let's ask him where the money goes. Your pockets, Mr. Valens, or your people, like a good revolutionary?
Posted by Val Prieto at January 7, 2005 10:00 AM
Comments
Disgusting!
I guess Mr. Valens is living his American Dream the way el barbudo "permitted" him to live.
Posted by: Amanda at January 7, 2005 10:55 AM
I am speechless. I told someone during last year's elections that certain statements uttered by the Loony Left were so mind-bogglingly stupid that the universe was too small to contain that much stupidity (nod to Einstein). This pretty much qualifies for that classification.
Posted by: George L. Moneo at January 7, 2005 11:22 AM
This is unbelievable. I notice they have a contact link on their site so we can all "educate" this traitor.
Posted by: Kathleen at January 7, 2005 11:47 AM
If you put up pictures of Castro and Che, might as well make the experience complete. Wait in line all day for maybe some bread and maybe not. Armed goons oversee. A few people who got in the line at the other end are pulled out of line and never seen again. Some filthy-rich Manhattanites show up with flash cameras and call it all "quaint." No one frowns or complains because they're afraid to. If you're lucky, the guards will be off on a smoke break (the cigars aren't available to people in line) and you can sneak out the window to Miami. If you do escape, Michael Moore will publish a public letter to you saying you're insane for fleeing from 100% literacy and free health care.
I'm not sure that too many folks would shell out money for this experience, though.
Posted by: Murel Bailey at January 7, 2005 12:15 PM
These sanganos should be taken away from their comfy Utne Reader, NPR, hemp clothing, and yoga classes and be put in hardcore living life la vida loca way dirty Havana style - no soap, no underarm deodarants, no maxi feminine napkins, used condoms, no vitamins, no aspirins, long lines, sour milk and rotted rationed meat - plus 3:00 am visits from the CDR at your bedside, and no religion too, plus no Christmas allowed and then lets see how much they like living the revolutionary lifestyle.
Let them eat some real "Cuban" food like pork chops from dog meat - or chicken fricasse made from stray cats - breaded grapefruit skins fried in rancid fat and the most bizarre one I heard - pizza topped with latex pieces from a condom to simulate cheese - I kid you not!!!!!!!!!!!! People who have come from Cuba have told me about that.
I tell ya - there is a very special place in Hell for such folk!
Posted by: mandingo jones at January 7, 2005 12:53 PM
...and another thing, the only Victor's is the famous Victor's Cafe 52 in New York City that has been serving up real Cuban food forever!
VICTOR'S CAFÉ 52
236 W. 52nd St., between Broadway and 8th Ave., New York, NY, USA
Phone: 212/586-7714
Posted by: mandingo jones at January 7, 2005 01:04 PM
I was reading this and it occurred to me that maybe what we should do is build a "Cuba see it like a native" theme park, or more appropriately "hunted house" like attraction. Where people can get a look at a day in the life of Cubans living on the island. just an idea
Posted by: madtom at January 7, 2005 01:22 PM
I wonder if these idiots understand what would happen to their "Cuban cafe" if they tried to open the same kind of place in Miami? I picture torches, angry people, tar and feathers...
There's a reason it's in Minneapolis. Can't image there are too many of fidel's victims living there.
Posted by: joe at January 7, 2005 02:06 PM
Val:
Can we get Lileks in on this? Damn, I know I can't tug his sleeve, but maybe you can.
This is just unbelievable.
JdB
Posted by: Jerome du Bois at January 7, 2005 04:25 PM
I'm speechless. I don't know what's worse: the fact that fidel is an assasin, or that Mr. Valens is making a profit off of fidel's slaughter.
Posted by: Songualcassal at January 7, 2005 06:05 PM
My initial reaction was, Is this a front?
Anyway, how ironic that the name is Victor's 1959 Cafe, since the menu features the food Cuban people ate back in 1959
Posted by: Fausta at January 8, 2005 10:06 AM
Keep in mind, this guy wouldn't be in business if there weren't people out there who actually thought that this was a good idea.
Posted by: kika_chuck at January 8, 2005 03:35 PM
I read your blog almost every day - so I know your politics and agree. Do you know that if you scroll down your blog page, ads from Google come up selling Che t shirts/books/posters - and they are not anti-che at all......
Does Google "see" what your latest blog entry is about - and post related sites? Too bad they're all pro-Che.
Posted by: suzeisnotfooledbyislam at January 8, 2005 08:24 PM