July 13, 2005

This just in from Cuba:

After the recent visit of Hurricane Dennis to the island, fidel castro has begun to take some new safety measures. The following is a letter being passed out in Cuba (Spanish in italics, English translation follows):

Espero que estén bien tras el paso de Dennis, que entró a Cuba con categoría 4 y salió con categoría 2. Los apagones y las Mesas Redondas lo deprimieron tanto que ni siquiera quiso pasar por la Capital y salió como un cohete para el norte revuelto y brutal.

I hope that all of you are fine after Hurricane Dennis' passing. As you know it came in as a Category 4 and left as a Category 2. The blackouts and "Round Table" discussions depressed the storm so much that is completely bypassed the capital and left more disturbed and brutal than when it entered.

Fue un ciclón imperialista y mercenario ya que entró cerca de Playa Girón y provocará daños a la economía durante una década más o menos. Aún se investiga si cometió algún acto terrorista en su paso por el país.

It was an imperialist and mercenary hurricane, since it entered near the Bay of Pigs, and it is certain to cause economic dislocations that will last for a decade, more or less. It is currently being investigated for possible terrorist activites as it passed through Cuba.

Ya se anuncia para la próxima semana una marcha del pueblo combatiente para condenar el paso de Dennis por Cuba y para que sepan los demás ciclones lo que les espera en la Isla si intentan agredirla con vientos y agua. A tal efecto, durante los próximos dos meses en las esperadas Mesas Redondas de nuestra Televisión Nacional, se abordará el tema "Los ciclones y su incidencia en la Economía Nacional", donde disertarán entre otros, Pepito el de los cuentos, Rubiera el del Instituto y Armando Guerra, entre otros humoristas y funcionarios de diferentes ramas del Arte y de la Economía del
país.

Next week, a march will be held protesting the entry of Hurrican Dennis into Cuba. We expect future hurricanes to take heed and govern themselves knowing full well what will await them if they come here. Over the next two months a series of specials will be broadcast on national television titled, "Hurricanes and the National Economy." Among the experts and guests will be Little Johnny, Rubiera from the Institute y Armando Guerra, among other humorists and funtionaries in the Arts and Economic management of the country.

Por otra parte se informó que está en fase de prueba la instalación de las mallas anticiclónicas donadas por la hermana República Bolivariana de Venezuela para evitar que los ciclones terroristas puedan entrar al país. También se anunció que en nuestro Canal Educativo se impartirá un curso de seis meses donde se enseñará a nuestra población la instalación de dichas mallas.

We are alos pleased to inform you that special Anti-Hurricane nets, provided by the Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela, are being tested to prevent future incursions of terrorist hurricanes into our country. Classes on the installation of these nets will be broadcast on the Educational Channel.

Por un año se paralizará la producción de ollas arroceras y juntas de refrigeradores para producir las mallas cubanas que son de mejor calidad según los estudios realizados y así lograr que cada cubano tenga en su casa una malla anticiclónica. Las ollas no harán falta porque habrá escasez de arroz ya que los envíos del cereal desde Viet Nam y China fueron afectados indefinidamente por el anticomunista ciclón Dennis.

Production of rice cookers and refrigerator gaskets will be halted for one year for the accelerated production of the nets. Since there is no rice, there will be no need for the rice cookers. Instead, we will receive cereals from China and Vietnam, two socialist brothers unaffected by the terrorist hurricane.

Se negocia con Rusia el restablecimiento del envío de chícharos de los años 60-85 para sustituir el consumo de arroz de nuestra población cubana y así garantizar la permanencia de la Libreta de Racionamiento de Alimentos por los próximos 50 años aunque haya terminado el llamado Período Especial. Ya se han producido algunas manifestaciones a favor del chícharo ruso y se espera que sea bien acogido por nuestras amas de casas y nuestro pueblo en general.

We are in negotiations with Russia so that they can reestablish the export of split peas to the levels of 1960-1985 to supplement or replace the consumption of rice by the Cuban people. This will guarantee the permanence of the Food Ration Book for 50 years despite the end of the "Special Period." Demonstrations in favor the Russian spilt pea have already been noted and we fully expect them to become a perennial favorite of housewives and the public at large.

Posted by Val Prieto at July 13, 2005 03:04 PM



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Comments

Humor is what saves the Cuban people from generalized madness!

Posted by: CB at July 13, 2005 03:12 PM

Sounds like quoted verbatim from Granma...

ahhhh will Emily come ashore at Desembarcadero de Granma?

Como la van a llamar pues????

Posted by: Eleggua at July 13, 2005 03:29 PM

Exactly why is it so hard for the Cuban government to say "hey this isn't working, lets just change how we do things and maybe things won't be so miserable?" I know that means you'd have to admit you were wrong but seriously...

Or maybe Mr moneybags Castro could spare a few billion to help the country out at the very least.

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at July 13, 2005 03:42 PM

ROTFLMAO!! Val, you should frame this one.

Posted by: Kathleen at July 13, 2005 03:43 PM

castro isn't miserable. That's all he cares about. He doesn't care about his people.

Posted by: Robert at July 13, 2005 03:45 PM

This might not be satire.

Posted by: A.M. Mora y Leon at July 13, 2005 03:55 PM

Oh man, it is the chickpea jokes that get me.

Posted by: Sorge at July 13, 2005 03:56 PM

How far from the truth is Val statement?
Not VERY! Or have we forgotten than the commie-liberal-dingelberry licking cultists ACTUALLY claimed that IVAN had spared Cuba because it was afraid of KaSStro?
So issuing an official warning to Mother Nature as to the Strong, Valiant & Categorical battle it will face if it dares confront the Sumo Hijo de Puta is something that is quite plausible in the sick putrid mind of Kuba’s apparatchik

Posted by: KillCastro at July 13, 2005 05:14 PM

I think that Mother Nature is the one who will nail the coffin of that beast shut. But we need to help her!

Posted by: CB at July 13, 2005 05:28 PM

Cubans and their humor,you can't kill their spirit that is for sure!!
Dennis came through and wiped out all the areas of western Cuba, ruined the harvest of plaintains, rice is gone, downed most of the mango trees, dronwned the majority of the cadle and poultry in the area of Las Villas...let's hope Emily behaves like a true lady with PMS and goes to the East side of the Island and takes care of the sugar cane fields and all of the tobacco in Pinar del Rio, then for the Grand Finale, lets hope Emily finds Castro and spins off with him into the Gulf of Mexico..YOU GO EMILY!!!
PS:
Spare the poor people that have suffered the worst of hurricanes for 46 years; The Castro Brothers~!!

Posted by: carmen at July 13, 2005 06:07 PM

Not many buildings collapsed in Havana, apparently Mother Nature was forgiving and generous with the people of Havana, not that much with the tyrant, word is that the places where his oil from Venezuela has to come, refined and redistributed were hit really badly, those are spots in the bays of Cienfuegos and Matanzas. The oil refinery in Havana is the worst of the shapes after years of mismanagement, so the effects of Dennis really cripple the operation of pilfering the coffers of both Venezuela and Cuba by means of the stealing of the oil from both peoples. Somehow, the Pirates of the Caribbean are managing to sell the oil without refining. Word in Havana is that the oil is not reaching Cuban shores way before the hurricane. Only the worst quality is staying in Cuba for "national consumption". Where is the Interpol where you needed to investigate what's going on with those monies? Where are the satelites to investigate the suspicios vessels trafficking in high seas?
Why is that those activities are not officially considered a threat to the stability of the region and to the security of the USA? I hope somebody with the powers to convey this message through the right channels in the goverment is reading...

Posted by: CB at July 13, 2005 07:56 PM

Heck with Interpol, where's Amnesty International? They are so busy with Guantanamo, they've only got to go about 500 feet to find real human rights violations. Have they even said anything about Cuba in the last 5 years?

Posted by: Christopher Taylor at July 13, 2005 09:37 PM

Thank God for the humor of the Cuban people. Que gente maravillosa. This horror will pass. El Tirano is being made a fool of by the his own people.

Posted by: Henry Agueros at July 14, 2005 02:21 PM