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Happy Birthday Alvarez Guedes!!! I don't think there is any of us exile children circa "Que Pasa USA?" that didn't grow up on one of Alvarez Guedes may tapes....

Two of my favorites are "huevos fritos" and the tiger filing his nails.

oohoohooh misitah kottah mistah kottah...
I gotta share my Alavrez Guedes story.
I was with my dad at Republic National Bank on Flagler and Le Jeune, waiting for my dad to finish some business and i saw him there. I must have been no more than 9, but i recognized him from the album covers my abuelos had. At that age I loved telling jokes, you know the silly school yard stuff. I told him i was a fan and I wanted to be a "joke teller" like him when i grew up. He said "pero tu eschuches mis discos??" and I had to admit how I would hide behind "la butaca" while the old folks listened to the records. At the time the "spanish for the americans" album was popular, where he teaches the Cuban swear words. So I rattled off from memory the bits he did. I remember he just laughed and said "Bueno, si un dia no puedo hacer el show, te llamo" and patted me on the head. Then he asked me if I knew any other jokes and I told him one in spanish: fidel dies, goes to heaven, and St. Peter balks, says no way are you getting in, and sends him to hell. fifo gets to hell and satan doesn't want him either. Says no way no how. fifo is upset and says "look, i just got sent down. im not moving from here, you guys figure it out. So satan sends to associate devils to heaven to talk to St. Peter to see what the deal is. The devil's get to the pearly gates, St. Peter looks at them and says "I don't believe it!! I sent him down 5 minutes ago and already I am getting refugess!!" It must have been right after Mariel cause thats when that joke was opoular, at least the first time I heard it. I remember he laughed, patted me on the head again and said he would use the joke.

Geez, thank goodness. For a minute I thought I was looking at that supreme prick "Gabo."

I had the opportunity to have dinner with Guillermo Alvarez Guedes at the Metropol Restaurant in Isla Verde, Puerto Rico, some twenty years ago. He is as patriotic about the Cuban cause as he is humorous in his private life.
He said that he initially despised being confused with Gabriel Garcia Marquez, but that later was able to enjoy the mixup, because he would disparage Gabo at every ocassion. For example, when he was in Cartagena, Colombia, a black waiter at a restaurant kept staring at him and finally drew enough courage to ask him, "Gabo?" Alvarez Guedes replied affirmatively. As the waiter heaped praise on him, Guillermo, pretending to be Gabo, said: "I love young black men like you. Do you have two other friends like yourself, so that all three can come over tonight to my hotel room and screw me all night long?" The waiter was schocked and stunned into silence. Guillermo personally told me that anecdote.
Years later I heard that he was stopped at an airport by little old ladies calling him Gabo. He replied, "No, I am not Gabo. I am his twin brother who is ashamed of him. Gabo is a drunkard and a drug addict. He used to beat our mother, take all her money, and spend it on prostitutes and drugs." The little old ladies fled in horror.
Happy birthday, Guillermo. May you live to see Cuba free.

i never realized before this thread how much he looked like him!!

Indeed, Alvarez Guedes records were a staple of most Cuban American homes in the late 70s and 80s. Even though I was no more than 10-15 years old, my parents would let me listen to his records.

My favorite joke of his is a pretty simple one, but classic nevertheless:

Guy by the name of Jose Caca goes to the government office to change his name. Person asks Jose, what would you like to change your name to?

Jose replies:

"Juan Caca".

Happy birthday! He is an icon of my youth. Many family parties in the 70's revolved around listening to his records. I felt privileged that my parents allowed me to listen at such a young age. My favorites are the tiger (mariconerias mias), Juan Caca, Jugar Ruleta, Peo de Atanasio, and El Astronauta (Cheo Gomez - los tubos de arroz con frijoles y picadillo still crack me up). Viva Cuba Carajo stirs me up every time. May he live another 80 years.

Suena el telefono en el cuarto de un hombre durmiendo. Coge el telefono ys dice, "oigo".

El borracho en la otra linea dice, "por favor con Adela." El hombre le dice que tiene el telefono equivocado y el borrache insiste pidiendo el numero de telefono.

El hombre que estaba durmiendo le dice, "mi numero de telefono es el 000-0001."

El borracho le dice, "Coño, por poco de dejan sin telefono."

- - -

Un padre va caminando con su hijo y ve una mujer lindisima y dice en alta voz, "¡Que culo!"

El hijo le pregunta, "Papi que dijistes?"

"Dije Buo."

"Papi, que es un Buo?"

"El buo es un pajaro que duerme durante el dia y caza por las noches."

"Papi, y si los buos se casan con las buas tienen buitos?"

"Si, mijito."

"Papi, y si los buitos se casan con las buitas tienen buititos?" Si, mijito, tienen buititos."

"Papi, y si los buititos..."

"Dije culo, sabe."

Alvarez Guedes is the funniest man on earth. And I'm so glad he's doing Garcia Marquez pranks!

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